My doorbell rang. Yay! Another unannounced visitor. Of course, it startled me and threw me out of my concentration because it’s quite loud and annoying.

Every time this happens, my peace is disrupted and it’s like I’ve just been violated.

I feel like a prisoner in my own home. Why? Because I refuse to answer the door. So I go into hiding until the intruder leaves.

Sometimes they persist on standing there for 5 minutes, knock-knock-knocking away.

Can’t you read my doormat?

That just strengthens my pissed-off resolve to NOT satisfy them. Go ahead, waste your life like you’re wasting mine.

I don’t care if you’re the president. CALL FIRST. Is that so hard to do?

And then leave a message, because I won’t answer the phone. (see above for reason)

Better yet, text.

Because if I don’t hear from you before that doorbell rings, I’ve decided you’re a solicitor. And no, I’m not interested in joining your religious cult. BYYYYYEEEEE.

Admittedly, because of my shitty attitude toward unannounced visitors, I’ve had a few registered letters that I’ve had to pick up from the Post Office…. Oops. That’s the price I pay…

On rare, fleeting occasion, I’ll happen to be in a social mood and actually have showered before 2 pm…so if you can manage to catch me during that sweet spot, and you’re holding some candy bars, okay… I’ll be nice. 🙂

Another exception I’ll make is if you’re Wayne Brady carrying a huge check. Hell yeah, I’ll throw on some pants and sunglasses!

Secret Tip: If you’re holding a puppy, that’s my weakness… I’ll always open the door for that.

Other than that, unannounced visitor, fuck off and have a nice day.

Privacy is not something that I’m merely entitled to, it’s an absolute prerequisite.

—Marlon Brando

Doormat for unannounced visitors
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Doormat for unannounced visitors
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Doormat for unannounced visitors
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